This has been on my mind lately.
There have been two times in my life that i have let other people change my experiences and lost people i admired and loved. One time was while i was studying abroad in France and the other was going back to the ranch after my dad passed. What happened in france was childish girl jealously but what happened at the ranch still effects me today. The hardest part of it all is losing the friendship and love i had for the owners of the ranch. I was a wreck that 2nd summer and hated (yes, i said it) the world! The summer before i formed this great friendship with both of them and felt i could come to them about anything, especially D. He was not admired by a lot of the people because of his hard front. But i had made an unexpected connection with him! I got through that hard, cold shouldered man and found his soft side. He was like a grandpa to me! I felt comfortable asking him anything and cracking jokes with him. Many were afraid he would crack on them if they joked around with him. With L, she was like a 2nd mom to me. I would come to her when i was cut or had a bug bit and played up the hurt and she would go out of her way to help me! I gained their trust and love. But the 2nd summer was completely different. I would get mad at L and take my anger out on her. I tried to be myself, but i was too hurt and afraid of getting hurt again to open up as i did the first summer. I lost the opportunity to have great friendships like i did the 1st summer and even lost some of the strength in some of the friendships I had with some of the returning staff. I lost the love and trust of the owners. I felt like a part of their family. But after that summer of craziness, i have lost them. I have tried to contact them but my attempts have been either overlooked or disregarded. Maybe they are reading them, but just not ready to talk to me quite yet. It hurts to know that i effected that family like i did. I wasn't myself at that time and i think they realized that but let that person stick with them. If i had the chance to go spend a summer out there with them again, i would in a heart beat. To feel the warmth of being a part of their family and the experiences on their ranch, i would be ever so grateful! I think that they would be proud of me because of how far i have come from that summer. I wish i could share with them the person i am now and share where i am going in life! I want them to see that the happy, go lucky, Jenni they knew, just with a different outlook on life and where i am going in the future. At times, tears run down my face when i think about how just one thing effected me so much that summer. There are so many great memories but at times that summer seems to bombard the good and just leave all the bad. Just to hear a simple hi from them would change everything.
It would reassure me that no one is perfect and people can forgive. I would feel better about them "having" to be there and "having" to care. It would mean they actually did care and did want to be there. It would mean they understood what was going on in my life and really wanted to help me through it. I have apologized for the madness and thanked them for being there, what else can i do? Maybe that is all i can do. The feeling of not being accepted really pulls my strings and hurts me like nothing else. It's hard for me to accept that someone might not accept me for my faults. I wish they could look pass them, and lend a "it's ok i understand, I accept you for who you are." Gosh, why does this hurt me so much?
Hopefully i will hear from them? Maybe i should call, but then i feel as if i am trying to hard and put them in an awkward position if they don't want to talk to me. But hey, what could i lose if i did? I would finally know that they are really avoiding me or if they really cared and wanted to talk! I am going to put myself out there, do what many might be afraid of, and call them! Maybe i should have tried calling them in the first place. Wish me luck in the coming weeks to build up the courage and call them!