Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Past, the Present, and the Future

Well the babes and tots class went well but what a shock. There were so many babies not wanting to participate and be quiet, which was expected but imagine 12 babies aged 0-18 months trying to learn how to sign and sing at all the same time. The instructor seemed to get annoyed with the mothers who let their kids roam free. But it went well. I learned some new signs and think that the class will be great! It will be something i try and get moms to do with their children! Also, i felt a little weird because i was the only person there without a baby so i was sitting there singing to myself and signing with myself while all the other parents toddled with their babies. But quickly got over that. haha. I am looking forward to the next class on monday!

Today, my dad would have been 50. He has been gone now for about 1.5 years. It's strange not having him here but he was never really there the past three years and here and there before he died. Sometimes i am very mad at him for not trying to beat the evils within him, but others i understand how they could overcome someone. At times, i feel as if he was a tortured soul and couldn't figure out how to pull through and grow. I feel as if children are the best present on earth and wonder why we were not enough for him to overcome his pains and see the good he had brought into the world and want to change for us. My dad and i never had the best relationship, which i hate and don't mind at the same time. I didn't have a great relationship with him but with my mom, i was and am her support. I feel that i was looked upon as another parent in the family because of all the responsibility placed upon me and the roles i served in each of my siblings lives. It ruined the sister relationship i have with them. I don't know how to be a sister, i only know how to be a second mom always looking out and guiding versus being a sister to them. But maybe that is what sisters are for? Maybe that is why i am here? This is something that i am working on but really have no clue on how to do this. With Rachael, i was her "second mom." I watched over her like a hawk and she always came to me. This whole not knowing how to be a sister really affects my relationship with my brother. I wish it was different. He is only 16 but i feel as if there is something we can talk about and bond over. My sister Aubree and I have always had differences because of our relationships with our dad. I wish it wasn't like that but i feel as if we are growing and fixing what was lost. All in all, i want to be able to be that big sister and trying to work on it as a whole. Not all bad has come from the situation. It has brought us all closer than we ever have been and is simply amazing. I love it. I love how we can come together as a family and show how we cared for one another and how we want to help each other. We are all going through difficult times each in our own way. This experience has taught me the importance of family and the power of words.  I have seen my family grow from not really expressing how we feel and being afraid of who we are to standing up for how we feel and not being afraid of who we are and what we have been through. We all have become stronger people. I find it important to tell my story and feelings. There is someone out there that is/was in a similar position and maybe my experience can help them in some way. Not only might it help someone but it feels good to let it out and talk about it. It conveys to people why i am a certain way. I have found myself just plain out telling a stranger what i had been through and what i continue to fight. It's a moment where i can breathe. I like that i might be able to reach out to someone and that they might reach out to me. Really i look for people that have been in the same situation and someone to connect with about it not necessarily in words but understand what it is like to have lost a father, to know what it is really like to not have a dad figure in your life that was positive, a dad that had two different personalities.  I like knowing that someone elses heart is hurting like mine, not because i want them to hurt but because we can relate.

You may be wondering why i wrote about this because it doesn't pertain to AmeriCorps but it is a part of my life! It is something that i think about everyday and battle everyday to figure out. If affects me in many ways. I feel better talking about it and organizing my thoughts and feelings. Many of you don't know i feel and when i have talked about it have brushed it off as something little and oppp it happened and i have forgotten about it. But that's not true. I think about my dad everyday and what my siblings and mom are going through. I think about what i can do to help them but realize they are going to have to figure it out on their own, just as i am trying to do. I am always thinking about how i can help someone get out of this situation. At times when someone jokes "i'm going to kill myself," what they see in my eyes is true care and compassion, for not taking that away from yourself, as they wonder why i looked at them that way. Take that moment and think about the peoples lives you have touched and how you affect them. I know they are joking but they don't know the pain i feel because someone who matter to me took their life and left his family behind. He took away the chance of  fixing a broken father-daughter relationship and making it into something better and great. He let something take over his mind and body. Now, there he lies without knowing i graduated/one class away with a degree in elementary education. He doesn't know the woman i have grown into and the compassion and love i hold to help people. He will never meet my loved one, my boyfriend, my partner through life, Jesse, which breaks my heart, and he will never meet my children. He will never know that i want to become a midwife and share the joy of bringing children into this world. Maybe he knows, but i will never know that he knew of my compassion and heart. He will always know that he had four great, intelligent, children that want to make a difference and help the people around us. Each of us have a heart too big for our chests and the power to help. That is exactly what we will do, help those in need.

R.I.P. Dr. Benjamin C. Scarff
You are missed

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